#030 Emotional Pain Avoidance and Relationships

In this episode, we dive into the topic of emotional pain avoidance and its impact on our lives.

The human instinct to avoid pain is deeply ingrained in us all. We naturally steer away from discomfort and unease because we are more inclined to comfort and ease. 

What You’ll Learn in this Podcast:

1. How to process emotions without avoidance and self-sabotaging behaviours.
2. Allah’s words of wisdom and the power you have in shaping and controlling your life. 
3. How to recognise common tendencies to avoid emotional pain.

Mentioned on the Podcast: (Click on Links)

• Nafs Coaching School
• Mind Health & Relationship training (Free Training & Newsletter)

Emotional Pain Avoidance – The Doorway to a Solution

In our endeavours to avoid any type of emotional pain we seek out all types of pleasures that will distract the mind from the unwanted thoughts. Those thoughts that create those horrible feelings we’re forever trying to side-step, that badly want to avoid. 

However, this avoidance strategy does not make the pain disappear. Instead, it further exacerbates the problems and prevents us from addressing the root causes of our emotional struggles. 

One of the reasons we don’t like to feel what we feel is because we lose control.

In fact, a better term to describe this would be, we give up control is. 

Sure, outside circumstances might be triggering your feelings. But the minute you’re triggered, it’s like you lose control, the trigger becomes the controlling factor that drives your emotions. 

As much as we want to say it’s the circumstances or the people in our lives,  it’s actually the feelings that set us off and trigger us.

Avoiding that feeling or that pain then leads us to procrastinate, have emotional meltdowns, or scream and shout.

We get into conflicts at work, with our neighbours, with our partners, in our relationships, and with our children, it has a rippling effect in all areas of our lives.

The doorway to a solution is to firstly recognise that these feelings are part of the human experience. 

These feelings are not going to kill you. However, they’re made worse and magnified by the way in which we interpret them and the mental/ mind stories that we build up around them. 

Feelings are just feelings! In many instances they’re based on the mental stories, interpretations of events and circumstances, and triggers, and may actually have no fact in reality.

If you’re prepared to subjectively look at these thoughts and not create a story around them, not give it an interpretation. Just process it without making up this mental picture with the worst case scenario. 

What you will find is that your relationships will begin to flourish, if we just get this one right.

Another common reason for avoidance behaviours are that we have associated some sort of pain with doing the thing that we’re avoiding.

This is common with procrastination. The root cause of this stems from avoiding certain feelings. 

We don’t always recognise it, and we waste a lot of time trying to figure out strategies to get over it or force ourselves into doing it.

Or, we try to strengthen our willpower or create habits, and it’s really just about trying to avoid a feeling.

To overcome all of this, the most effective solution is, we identify the underlying emotions causing the avoidance behaviours, and deal with it at its root.

I can’t emphasise to you enough how many times I’ve been in a coaching situation.  I’m coaching someone on the issue of procrastinating, not taking action, and ultimately after digging we find that it’s just an unwanted feeling that is really driving their behaviour. 

The minute they discover what’s really going on, they have a breakthrough. 

I’ll share one simple, yet profound statement with you. That if you take it on and cling to it, you’ll be fine in any situation inshaAllah. 

Allah (swt) says,

لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا

Allah does not burden a soul except [with that within] its capacity.

“Allah will not burden the soul more than it can bear.”

This is a profound reminder of our ability to cope with any emotional pain or challenge we’re faced with. 

When we face these emotions instead of avoiding them, we discover our true inner strength and power.

Your power lies in your perception and understanding.

You have the power to determine your life!  

That’s a choice that the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth has given us. You can do this, make a choice now to take control of your emotions and life!