What’s going on is resentment, anger, sadness, all of these potent feelings that everyone feels but sometimes they’re actually keeping us from going home. 

Many of my clients, high performers, high functioning people, work hard and sometimes for all the wrong reasons. 

Let me explain. 

Do you ever feel that you don’t want to go home because of what it feels like? Even the thought of it.

You walk towards your house, as you get to the front door, you haven’t even entered your home yet, but you start to feel this draining feeling.

It totally makes you feel like staying out and not going back.

If you have experienced this, or you are experiencing this, it’s a normal feeling.

Now it’s not a good feeling. And it’s not something that you want to hang on to.

FREE 5 Step Life Coach Training - Help Yourself and Others transform Mind, Emotional Health & Wealth

Join the LIVE Quranic Science of the Nafs training on Life Transformation, Purposeful growth and Success Coaching. Learn how to Solve life's greatest challenges. 

Give Yourself the Best, Don't Miss it ! 

So that’s what we’re looking at in this article.

I train coaches and therapists with the tools to be able to overcome any of these things. 

It’s called the Nafs Transformation programme. I do actual coaching with you and help you transform your life. 

I take you through a journey of doing that.

<iframe title=”Embed Player” style=”border: medium none;” src=”//play.libsyn.com/embed/episode/id/20928674/height/128/theme/modern/size/standard/thumbnail/yes/custom-color/ffffff/time-start/00:00:00/download/yes/hide-show/no/direction/backward/hide-playlist/no/hide-subscribe/no/hide-share/no” scrolling=”no” allowfullscreen=”” webkitallowfullscreen=”true” mozallowfullscreen=”true” oallowfullscreen=”true” msallowfullscreen=”true” width=”100%” height=”128″></iframe>

Most of the people who initially come into the Nafs Coaching School know about mindset.

Whether they’re trained in a modality of psychology or otherwise, or they have no background in it at all.

Mindset is all you hear about.

It’s a good thing to focus on. But very often we think that if we focus enough on mindset, if we can wish away the feelings, then everything will change. 

Here’s what happens.

We’re so focused on positive thinking or working on mindset constantly, that it becomes like a second job. 

So you don’t want to deal with it and after a while, it gets so tiresome. It becomes so difficult to even bring yourself to do the mindset work. 

Because you’re thinking that it’s so hard. It’s relentless. And when you stay in that state of mind, it erodes away at your well-being. 

I’ve experienced it myself. 

And many of the coaches and therapists that I train and many of my clients who go through the Nafs transformation programme, all come in with very similar problems.

It’s always linked to relationships or circumstances in our lives that we don’t want to experience.

So, when you’re in that state, the thing that takes a hit is your well-being and quality of life. 

I’ve worked with people who have spent 20,30 years escaping each other, forever escaping their relationships and their family members.


Because just coming to the home becomes draining. Just the thought of being around those people or the person puts you on edge.

When you’re in that state, then you’re constantly thinking positive thoughts, and working on your mindset. And these are all good things. 

However, if you don’t ever change what’s actually creating the condition, all the triggers, then it’s like you do the work on your mindset.

You do positive thinking, you’re trying, and then all of a sudden, it resets.

Something goes on and it changes everything.

Someone comes in, or someone says something or a memory is triggered, and all of a sudden, you’re reset back to default or feeling awful.

It’s like a grey cloud following you around. Have you ever had that feeling? 

Wherever you go, the grey cloud comes with you. 

Everywhere else, the sun’s shining but you’ve got a grey cloud walking with you. Let me just demystify that.

That grey cloud is not real, obviously. 

But that grey cloud is the cloud of emotions that we fall into. And we feel as though we’re stuck in that. 

Very often, 60-70% of the time, many of the people that I work with, get stuck in this.

They’ve been stuck in this for years and years and years. 

The thing is, you can’t change it by constantly doing mindset work, constantly doing things that make you feel better temporarily.

And yes, they do work temporarily. It’s not that it doesn’t work, but you’re doing it temporarily. 

Then, all of a sudden, something happens, the actual situation itself, the triggers are still there. And when they trigger you, it’s like you’ve been reset back to that awful feeling and awful state.

As a result of that, we actually spend our lives Netflixing, Facebooking, or Social Mediaring, I’ve just made those three words up.

Whatever we’re doing,

you’ll understand what I’m getting at.

We spend our time in avoidance behaviour. We spend our time trying to do things that make us feel better. 

And as a result of that, we aren’t doing the things we want to do. And relationships never get better. 

In fact, relationships fall into this stalemate almost, where no one’s going anywhere. 

We all just sit under this awful grey cloud and endure. But you don’t need to do that. 

You have to take ownership of what you have control over. 

So as I take my clients through this journey, this is exactly what I do with them. This is what we all need to do folk.

If you do this, and you step into the power that you do have, then you can slowly, incrementally change it.

You can’t change it overnight. You can’t do quick fixes.

Quick remedies and quick fixes only work temporarily. 

If you’ve been through the circuit of psychology, different modalities, and different things that you’ve tried.

Strategies and techniques and self-help and all of those things, you’ll know that it works temporarily. But then you always reset back to the awful state.

Every time we try one of these different techniques or strategies, it’s like you’ve got a bowl of mud, and then you keep putting the icing on it, hoping that the icing will make it sweeter and edible.

But every time you bite through, all you get is the dirt.

So if we want to make changes, we have to learn to change the way we relate, the way we connect, and the way we actually have those relationships.

Those relationships that are triggering us, those situations that throw us off kilter, and then we’re on edge.

All of those relationships can be dealt with. You don’t have to stay in a state of awfulness for the rest of your life. 

No one has to endure that. But for you to actually take control of that, you need to take ownership of your own power.


If you’re on the Nafs Transformation Programme, then go through the Roadmap.

The Nafs Roadmap is your key, and focus on the laying of the foundations. That’s the most important thing before you can get to fixing relationships.

It’s essential to focus on the laying of the foundations, and for you folks who are not on the programme I’ll explain what we do. 

What we’re doing is learning how to actually change the way we relate to people, change the way we perceive people, and change how relationships actually impact us. 

That’s what you’ve got to do. 

Sometimes you can’t change people. But you can change the way the relationship impacts you, by changing the way you relate to people and your perception of them.

You absolutely can. All of my students and clients and trainees get over this. They all think it’s impossible because they’ve been stuck for so many years.

But when they come into this, they realise that if they take these tiny, incremental steps, it’s easy. 

And it’s got to be tiny.

It’s got to be small, it’s got to be something that’s not forced. 

When you’re trying to force change on other people, you’re always trying to control them or shouting at them or withdrawing from them, or giving them a cold shoulder.

None of that stuff works.

You know that because you’ve tried it for years.


So you have to change the way you connect and relate to people. And in that, there’s something that’s constantly changing. 

If you take control of the things in your social dynamic and relationship that are causing you problems then it’s much easier. 

If you take control of what’s within your control, then it’s much easier. 

But when you’re focused on always trying to control everything else outside of your control, outside of your influence, then you’re always going to struggle. 

So you’ve got to focus on that. 

So you’ve got to focus on the way you relate to people. I know it’s tempting to try and impose your expectations on them and make them feel bad. 

You really want them to get that they keep triggering you. You really want them to get that they make you feel like not coming home.

You stay at work because you walk in and you get that horrible look. You walk in and you feel on edge, you feel like you’re going to be criticised, and that you’re just not going to be happy. 

You fear not being happy when you come home. And as a result of it, we end up not being happy.


This is what I teach all of my clients.

If you take control of what’s within your power. Your power is something that Allah (swt)gave you.

Many of you think, “I don’t have any power. I don’t have the ability to do anything.” 

That thought is not serving you, it doesn’t help you.

You have to first acknowledge that you have the ability to change what’s within your scope and influence.

If you can do that, then the dynamics of your relationship, the way you interact with people in your family, will change. 

And as that changes, they start changing.

Although you’re focused on you, you’re going to find that they change. That’s the most powerful thing.

More than 50-60% of the people I work with, the challenge is in their marriages. 

And I don’t need to work with the couple to make this work. I work with you, to get you to be able to change what’s within your scope of change. 

You can’t change them. You probably tried to change them already, but you can’t change them. 

And while you’re forever trying to change them, you stay under this dark cloud.

But when we focus on changing what we can, then all of a sudden, everything starts to change.

This is a reality. Allah (swt) has given you and me the power. 

And because we’ve got the power to do that, then He (swt) will take care of your affairs.

You think he wouldn’t and I know people don’t say that. 

But in their mind, they’re thinking oh, it’s never going to happen. It doesn’t matter what I do, it doesn’t matter how it works, it’s never going to happen. 

But Allah (swt) says, 

 ۗ إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يُغَيِّرُ مَا بِقَوْمٍ حَتَّىٰ يُغَيِّرُوا مَا بِأَنفُسِهِمْ ۗ

Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves. 


Allah will not change the condition of the people. He’s not going to change what’s going on out there until they change.

Guess what. You have the ability to do that folk, and the greatest promise is that if you focus on that, everything else will change. 

I want you to understand that as much as you think it’s not possible, or you’re sceptical because you’ve tried lots of different things, you haven’t tried this.

The Nafs Transformation programme is based on the Quranic science of the Nafs.

Many of my coaches who come in and get trained, have never had any psychology background, no training in any of this stuff. 

They come in and they transform their relationships, and they transform their lives. 

The people that go through the Nafs transformation programme, are focused on themselves and uplevel their life.

It’s not just about fixing problems, but they want to take their life to a different plain, something that they dream of having. 

When we focus on that, we’re not focused on all of the things that we don’t have any power over.

What good would that be?

If we focus on what Allah (swt) has given us then we can make some small, incremental, tiny changes that will make a massive impact on our lives, on our relationships, and on our mental and spiritual and physical well-being.

Many of the people that go through these problems, get so stuck in these negative spirals, that they feel physical pain as a result of it. 

Just the thought of something triggers pain.

Many of my clients have had that problem. When they come in, they have all sorts of diagnoses and challenges. And it’s because they’ve been stuck in this state.

Think about this. 

You wake up in the morning, and you’ve been sleeping on your arm the whole night. So you don’t feel anything in your arm. 

And then as soon as you start moving around, you start feeling a sensation return to your arm, but there’s a tingling feeling, that doesn’t feel too good. 

Now, if you stayed there, for a long period of time, you’d feel physical pain in your arm.

It’s the same with the spiritual and the psychological. 

It’s almost like we’re sleeping on our minds and sleeping on our well-being.

The well-being gets caught and stuck under your weight of you. And as it gets stuck, you feel all of these sensations. 

Then when you start to move around, it starts to come back and it’s a little bit uncomfortable. But very quickly, it clears up.

It clears up and you get into a good state of mind by getting into movement. 

So what we need to do is focus on getting you into a spiritual and a psychological movement. 

When you can do the two together, then physically you’ll be impacted in a good way. 

I want you to understand that relationships are much the same.

When you’re sleeping on your relationship, when you’re bearing down and heavy on your relationship. It takes a toll on it.

It reaches a stalemate.

And when it’s stuck like that, you feel pain and anxiety, and you’re constantly on edge.

You’re going to feel resentment, sadness, and a lot of negative stuff. 

But if you’re willing to change what’s within your power, you can change all of that. 

That’s really what I want to share with you here.

You can do this!

Many times we think we can’t because we’ve been in it for so long. But you can do this. And the way you do it is in small, easy, incremental steps. 

That guarantees you results. 

If you try to give yourself a complete overnight overhaul, and put this big fat bandage on top of yourself, you might feel better in the short term, but it’s certainly not going to fix it in the long term. 

So in the Nafs Transformation programme, that’s what we’re focused on. 

This whole journey with the Science of the Nafs is about getting yourself to the optimum level, where you can actually thrive.

It’s good to work.

But if you’re staying late at work just to escape your home, that’s not a good thing. Because you’re not dealing with what CAN be dealt with. 

Take it in your stride. Focus on the way that you connect with people, focus on changing the way you relate to people.

And focus on changing the dynamics between you and the people, that keep you out of your home.

Things will change very quickly if you do this. You’ll start to love your experience. Instead of dreading it, you’ll start to enjoy it. 

And then from enjoyment to love, to experiencing all the amazing things.

You can do it!

<iframe title=”Embed Player” style=”border: medium none;” src=”//play.libsyn.com/embed/episode/id/20928674/height/128/theme/modern/size/standard/thumbnail/yes/custom-color/ffffff/time-start/00:00:00/download/yes/hide-show/no/direction/backward/hide-playlist/no/hide-subscribe/no/hide-share/no” scrolling=”no” allowfullscreen=”” webkitallowfullscreen=”true” mozallowfullscreen=”true” oallowfullscreen=”true” msallowfullscreen=”true” width=”100%” height=”128″></iframe>


GET COACHED & MENTORED IN THE NAFS COACHING SCHOOL : This is a journey of Coaching and mentoring where you will transform life, mental health, relationships and Professional success. Get ready overcome all obstacles, to grow and up-level your life. CLICK HERE JOIN. You will Love this Quran and sunnah based journey

About the Author: Abdul Shahid – Master Coach Trainer & Therapist of Professional Life Coaches, pioneering The Science of the Nafs Psychology model for healing, transformation and peak performance. Specialist in Mind health, wealth and mastery using this Quran and sunnah based Spiritual Psychology.