#074 Managing Emotions and Emotional Intelligence

Do you sometimes find that your emotions don’t make sense? Is emotional intelligence even real or is it just a myth? 

In this article, I unpack this. 

As a foundation, it’s really important to understand that you’re intelligent. It’s a given.

It’s a God-given right. And something that Allah (swt) blessed all of us with. A level of intelligence and it’s all based on your Akaal. 

It’s all based on the inner state of your mind.

So before we get into emotional intelligence, I just want to set this straight so that you don’t mix emotions and intelligence as being the same thing, because they’re not. 

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IS A MYTH

You’re probably wondering, what on Earth is he talking about? 

Everyone’s talking about this. There are books written on this, people are doing lectures on this.

How could that possibly be true?

It’s a fact that emotional intelligence is a myth and it doesn’t exist.

Emotions are not intelligent. 

Think about this. Your emotions just follow your thinking.

Let’s take the example of a smoker.

They know full well the harmful effects of smoking.

It’s written on the box, here in the UK, anyway.

It’s written on the box: smoking is harmful, or smoking kills. 

There have been media campaigns, awareness campaigns, so everyone knows.

But the person who smokes, their brain knows that it’s harmful, but it makes no difference. Why is that the case?

The answer is the emotions rule.

You just follow your emotions if you have this habit or if you’ve had this habit in the past, like many of us.

Your emotions are telling you that it’s a relief for you. 

So you continue.

Your emotions tell you, it’s disliked. It’s not really Haraam. So it’s okay, don’t worry about it. And you continue.

Intelligence is overridden by your emotions and emotions are therefore not intelligent. 

Obviously, if the warning is on the box, and everyone knows it, and everyone talks about it, then you’re not following your intelligence, but rather, you’re following your emotions. 

So the emotions rule.

Take that example and you can even change the example for yourself.

Think about those things that you know are harmful in your life.

You know it’s harmful, you know the impact it’s having on your life, yet you continue to do it. Just ask yourself those questions.

Reflect on these points and notice those things that are harmful in your life, yet you still do it. 

Why is that the case? 

It’s simple; emotions rule. 

What’s happening in your life is that emotions are ruling and they’re leading. So you’re not to blame, and none of us are to blame because we weren’t taught this and in fact, what we’re taught is quite the opposite.

The self-help industry has made a killing by selling us emotional intelligence. And, I don’t blame you for thinking that it’s something that you need.

In fact, for many years, most of us have sought answers for why we react badly or feel a certain way, and why we can’t gather ourselves.

We’re always trying to figure out why we overreact, why we get into altercations, the reason for our behaviour, and why we struggle to manage our feelings. 

So we’re always trying to figure out how to solve the emotional problem.

So when you’re trying to solve the emotional issue, and the self-help industry is selling emotional intelligence, you’re not to blame for thinking that or for even chasing that, because we’re looking for a solution to a problem.

The thing is we all do this.

So before you give yourself a mental bashing, just understand that it’s been fed to us through the education system and our surroundings.

We’re not to blame for thinking that and being stuck in that,  we’ve been fed this over and over again. 

I’m repeating it. Emotions are not very intelligent, let’s be honest.

SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS 

I always tell my students, that as they go through the Nafs Transformation, they’re learning to coach themselves, they’re learning coaching skills so that they can become their own best coach.

You’ve got to be the cheerleader and the motivator, and the one that sets yourself up for success.

If you’re forever berating yourself, giving yourself a hard time, or telling yourself that you’re emotionally unintelligent, then 

you’re going to have a problem.

So as they go through this transformation process, I always tell my students, ‘Don’t follow your emotions, don’t even believe your emotions, they will lead you astray, they will have you feeling high, when it’s not good for you, and you’ll get carried away with it. 

Then all of the bad stuff happens, the behaviours, overeating, or whatever.

And before you know it, there’s a problem.’

A new problem. 

Emotions will have you feeling high when it’s not good for you, and low when you have a good reason to be content and happy.

Often, our lives are filled with things that would ordinarily make us happy if we weren’t in this state.

We’d feel content, we’d feel as though we’re achieving, and we’re successful in our lives. 

We’re growing and wonderful things in our lives, our families, our kids, our network, our work, the roof over our head, the beautiful home that we live in, and the job that we have.

We could be in a good state but the emotions will make you feel low, despite all of that. 

That’s why it’s one of the most important truths any human being could learn. Emotions are not intelligent.

Don’t chase your feelings because this is what many of us do. We’re forever chasing a feeling.

To understand your emotions is imperative.

To understand what’s creating the life that we’re living is imperative because it’s shaping our lives.

Trying to learn how to be more emotionally intelligent consumes your time and energy. 

You lose your time and energy, trying to figure out how to be emotionally intelligent.

I always tell my students to be focused on where their mind is taking them.

You need to be totally drawn into what you’re believing right now. 

That means doing some serious looking at what’s causing your emotional eruptions because most of the time we resort to the blame game.

It has become the norm for us.

THE BLAME GAME

Sometimes it’s blaming yourself and making yourself feel awful and sometimes it’s blaming others. 

The problem with playing the blame game is that it’s a distraction.

It takes us away from actually figuring it out, and it diverts from the core issue.

When we do that, we lose direction and bearing. 

And before long, we’re so far from what’s creating the issues, that we’re not able to solve a thing. The emotions just compound and they get worse.

Of course, emotions are not intelligent so they’ll have you behaving in the most odd way. 

When you look back and think about how you behaved you’d be wondering, why you did that.

Why did I do that? What on earth was I thinking?

That’s the key. 

That’s why you want to get away from the blame game so that you can figure it out. You are powerful in and of yourself. 

You’re intelligent. Emotions are not intelligent. So follow you and not your emotions.

Be totally drawn into your mind. That’s the key to everything.

Blaming takes you away from that. Emotions lead you astray. They have you thinking about things that have nothing to do with it.

And before long, we exaggerate everything. What was once small when it began gets blown way out of proportion. 

And before you know it, your relationships are getting wrecked, your self-esteem is wrecked, and your confidence is being hit.

You feel like you’re out of control. No one from the outside can tell. But we know what’s going on inside ourselves.

Most of my students are from a variety of backgrounds, leaders in their fields, management, clinicians, teachers, professional parents, homeschoolers, and different sorts of backgrounds. 

They’re all types of people. 

But regardless of what their background is, regardless of how much success they have in their lives, their emotions will lead them astray.

You lose your power when you follow your emotions.

Playing the blame game will have you distracted. If you don’t focus on what’s causing it and try and figure that out, then it’s going to have you going the other way. 

Always go back to your mind, because that’s where it always comes back to.

You can be very powerful if you want to be. All it requires is taking control of those emotions that get out of control.

Those emotions that throw you off kilter, that make you feel like everything’s terrible and the world is coming to an end. 

Those emotions are useless because they lead us to places that we don’t want to be. 

The truth is you’ve probably created so much in your life already.

But when you get lost in those emotions, you can’t see any of it. It’s like drowning in emotions, we literally can’t see anything.

So, get your head above the sea of emotions, and see what’s above.

That’s the beauty!