Sometimes we don’t like spending time with our loved ones, even though we want relationships with them and we want those relationships to flourish.

For some reason, we figure it’s not going to work because of the way that we behave with each other. 

You find yourself not wanting to be around your husband or your wife or your kids, even though you love them, but you don’t want to be around them. 

This article goes into one of the key fundamentals that you can instill into your relationship to actually start enjoying that time again.

These are relationship gems that I like to share with the world because I personally struggled with this one. 

Let’s just say this has been an ongoing struggle that I’ve not seen.

The minute I see it and I understand it, I quickly jump in line and actually figure it out as quickly as possible. Because that improves my relationships as quickly as possible.

That includes my relationship with my wife, my kids or my siblings, my friends, and my in-laws.

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A lot of us have relationship issues with our in-laws.

When you have a relationship issue with your in-laws, it puts a strain on your own family life. 

Many of you send me these messages, and many of my students going through the Nafs transformation journey, so this is the stuff that we work on the most.

Because it gives you the quality of life that you want. 

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A simple way to look at your relationship is that it’s a connection.

One of the biggest mistakes we make is that we fill our lives with so many responsibilities, achievements, work, and all of the other things that we love.

We fill our lives with so many of those things that we don’t have time to connect. 

Then when we are in the presence of the ones that we want that relationship with, or the one that we’re having relationship trouble with, we’re not really present.

We’re not really connecting. 

If you imagine, the simplest way of looking at connecting is when you’re having a conversation with someone.

Not a conversation of animosity, because that’s disconnecting.

A two-way conversation with someone, where you’re connecting to them, and you’re actually speaking. 

This is very often the problem many of my students who are having struggles with their spouses have.

It’s a one-way conversation and you feel like you’re having a conversation and you’re connecting and then afterward you’re wondering what the hell’s happening. 

Why aren’t we able to get on with each other? Why don’t we like actually spending time with each other? 

So it’s down to, we don’t like to spend time with each other. 

When we’re connecting, it’s not really a connection, because it’s a one-way conversation. 

It’s a conversation of animosity, which is more of a disconnection.

The rest of the time we’re just filling our lives with things that keep us busy. 

Those things may make you feel better in the short term.

Like bingeing on cakes and biscuits and chocolate or you’re bingeing on social media. Anything that keeps you distracted, but doesn’t actually help you to connect. 

If you spend all your life connecting to everything else, but the people that you want to have this relationship with, then there’s no connection or relationship. 

We then struggle, suffer, feel lonely, disconnected, and misunderstood. 

And it spirals out of control. 

Another common problem I see a lot is many of my students find their relationships really boring.

Especially couples, husband and wife, you find your relationships boring. 

Many times that means it only gets spiced up behind closed doors if you’re lucky.

Even then, because of the way that we approach each other, even behind closed doors, it’s like doing the laundry.

There’s no excitement in it, there’s no spice in it, there’s no reason to want to actually spend time with each other.


This is a real problem for so many couples. And it all comes back to the way we approach each other, the way that we connect. 

If the way that you connect to your husband or your wife is from the angle of,  “What’s in it for me? or  I need to get my needs met.” 

Then the relationship suffers. 

“What’s in it for me?” is not really a two-way conversation. 

Now, as we go through the Science of the Nafs process, you need to go to the cause.

You need to figure out what’s causing it all.

Now, if both the husband and wife come into the same relationship with what’s in it for me, then it’s a one-way connection

You’re just thinking about yourself.

It’s not that you shouldn’t have your needs met. 

But when we come from the angle of what’s in it for me, you lose all the connection.

You lose the spice, the excitement, the love, the mercy, and the compassion.

It’s not about giving, because love and compassion is about sharing. It’s not about what’s in it for me. 

So the thing is, many times I see my students, and my coaches go through these challenges. Coaches are humans, just like everyone else.

We have the same problems and the same relationship challenges.

When we apply this Science of the Nafs framework to our relationships, we stop coming from what’s in it for us, and we actually start thinking about what’s in it for us. 

A real simple attitude to adopt when it comes to your relationships is this.

If you approach your relationship with what’s in it for us, then you’re at a good beginning.

You’re on a good footing, a good foundation, but from there, you want to add some spice into your relationship and actually enjoy each other’s company, so a simple question to ask yourself is,

“How can I make this fun?”

Inject some fun into your relationship, and love, compassion, and passion will follow. 


I hear this so much from couples,

“He’s boring, She’s boring.”

“We have such a boring relationship, I’d rather hang out with my friends or play on the Playstation or go shopping with my friends and try on my new shoes.” 

When trying on new shoes gives you more comfort and pleasure than hanging out with your spouse, that’s a problem. 

Shoes are uncomfortable. 

How can they replace the comfort, love, mercy, and passion of a relationship? They don’t.

PlayStations certainly don’t do that. 

I’ve coached people a number of times about spending their time on the PlayStation as opposed to in their relationship.

Your connection is with the wrong thing.


It helps you in the short term because it keeps you distracted. 


The honest truth is shopping, PlayStation, holidays, all of these things, keep us distracted. 

What you want to do is put the passion back into your relationship.

Put excitement and joy back into your relationship.

The easy first step is to ask think about what’s in it for us.

Ask yourself the question, How can I inject some fun into my relationship? 

If you keep asking yourself this question, and you make some tiny shifts, your relationship will start to get a little fun. 

And if it’s fun, you might actually enjoy spending time with each other. 

We don’t like to spend time with each other because we bore the hell out of each other. That’s the honest truth. 

I speak from experience, both on a personal level and a professional level. 

Relationships are stuff that we get to work on. 

But we don’t work on it as if it’s hard work. 

We work on it like we want to enjoy it. It’s like a hobby. You do it because you enjoy it.

Take the hobby approach to your relationship and make it fun.

Put FUN into your relationship and you’ll start to enjoy spending time with each other. 

I have so many students who take this simple concept and apply it to their relationships, impacting them immediately.

If you’re actually applying it, you will enjoy your life and your relationships.

It makes a huge difference folk.

Now, if your struggle is beyond this, then you should be in the Nafs Transformation Programme.

In the Nafs Transformation programme, we actually go to work in changing all of the problems, the causal factors.

We shift our relationships so much that they look different by the time we finish.

We love being in the relationships that we create. We create the relationships we want. 

Join us and make it a priority because it’s your life. It’s the quality of your life. 

No more marriage counselling. Some real fruitful change and adding the passion and the love and the mercy back into your relationships. 

This is how we do it. 

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About the Author: Abdul Shahid – Master Coach Trainer & Therapist of Professional Life Coaches, pioneering The Science of the Nafs Psychology model for healing, transformation and peak performance. Specialist in Mind health, wealth and mastery using this Quran and sunnah based Spiritual Psychology.